Merry Christmas to Me

Never was there a girl who wanted a Christmas miracle when I was a girl.  Instead I was the poor girl of a welfare mother. I had big dreams though, but most of my Christmases were about no toys, sometimes no tree, and the constant refrain of we are just poor that is the way it is.  So I learned to on the one hand love the story of Christs birth, and hate the American Christmas experience where everyone got amazing presents and I lied about what I got so as not to be embarrassed.  Even with my foster family it was not much different. So by the time I was an adult, Christmas became a difficult time of year, that I tried to get through.  

On my own, I found there were many people like me with similar experiences, and we  made our own experiences which helped somewhat.  Many Christmases I spent drunk with friends, longing inside for a loving old fashioned Christmas.  Once I got sober, I realized so many other people experienced Christmas the same as I did, with tons of issues.  I felt less alone, and even appreciative at the holidays. I spent them close to meetings and friends.  I got sober 12-26-1989.  The day after Christmas, the last of my humiliating Christmases.  Though I made peace with others like me, I resigned to the month of December being a difficult month.

Seven years into my sobriety I married a man in recovery. I married him in December.  The following year was to be my eighth AA birthday.  It was different, and I finally got my Christmas miracle.  At 40 years 10 months and 5 days I gave birth to my only child. He was born on Christmas day in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The next day his father brought in my 8 year chip to celebrate my sobriety.  No Christmas day has ever been the same for me.  The real healing for my childhood and my issues came through the 12 steps of AA. The closest thing to a true spiritual program as any church in my opinion.  However, having child and being able to experience a childhood without poverty and full of love and attention helped me to heal in ways I could have never predicted. 

Each year when Christmas comes along, I revisit this amazing miracle, Christ's birth and Nick's birth. Before you harshly judge me, it was the only name his father and I could agree on. So yes, his name is Nicholas, born on Christmas day, 1997. His father wanted Damien, and I could not see naming him after the son of Satan,  The Omen. I wanted Aidan, but like I said, it was destined to be Nicholas. So this year he is 15 years old. He is a great boy, smart, funny, and I am so happy to have him as my family. I am going to be 23 years sober, his father passed away when he was 6 of a brain tumor.  Nick is almost a man now.  Christmas has taken on a whole new meaning.  So to you and yours never give up the search for a miracle.